This is the year I’m finally going to tack on those extra 25 pounds. I’ve been skinny since birth (8 lbs. 6 oz.) and every year I tell myself that this is going to be my big year for bulking up. Well guess what, body? THIS IS THE YEAR. I’m going to get so fat.
I better not become one of those dudes who gets a fat belly and nothing else. I hate those jerks. From behind, they look like normal guys, but as soon as they turn around – wham! – How did that guy get pregnant? Skinny legs and a fat belly is no way to go through life, that’s for sure. When I get fat, I want to be fat EVERYWHERE. I want people to look at me and think “doughy.” I want people to hide under their desks in fear of an earthquake every time I take a step. I want to get so fat that I don’t even get fat-rolls when I sit down, I just get a blob.
In order to gain the most weight possible, I’ve set up a very strict regimen for myself. I’m going to park as close to places as possible so I don’t have to walk. If there aren’t any spaces available, I’ll just wait in my car and eat a candy bar until somebody comes out. When I go to the grocery store, I’m going to get one of those electric carts to zoom around in so I’m not burning calories as I’m buying calories. I will never take the stairs. As for eating, I’m going for quantity over quality. Do I want cheese on my fries? Yes. Do I want to super-size something? Of course.
By summertime, there’s going to be a whole new me walking around this place and I'll be breaking every chair I sit in. Say goodbye to the skinny old guy you once knew, because here comes Big Bill and I’m going to eat your lunch.
Wish me luck.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment