Hold the Lemon!!!

Great Pacific Garbage Patch

In the Pacific Ocean, there is a floating continent made of plastic, about twice the size of Texas. It is dumped off ships and comes from all the so-called recycling centers. The lesson is: Throw your plastic away. Don't recycle. Here is a link the the LA Times article.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/oceans/la-me-ocean2aug02,0,3130914.story

That Face, That Face, That CoverGirl Face

Irony

Man Knows Not His Time

William F. Buckley, Jr.

(1925-2008)

SRL has Psoriasis

In a pathetic effort to cover up his Psoriasis of the Arms, SRL wore a long sleeve shirt today underneath his short sleave shirt. He claimed he was trying to "go green" by keeping warm without the aid of fossil fuels, and he mumbled about how everyone should reduce his "carbon footprint," and "Earth First" but we all know he has gangrine/cyrossis/sclaraderma/psoriasis of the Arm. And don't ever visit www.TheNextNovember.blogspot.com

Victim Of Mall Shooting Determined Not To Die In Yankee Candle

BUFFALO, NY — In the aftermath of last week's deadly shooting at the Windsor Galleria Mall, many are still struggling to make sense of the indiscriminate murder of 19 innocent people. Though 22-year-old gunman's motives may never be known, some solace can be taken in the amazing story of David Mull, a victim of the bloody rampage who, though seriously injured, heroically dragged himself nearly 50 yards to spare himself the indignity of dying in the shopping center's Yankee Candle retail store.

Mull, whose wife, Brenda, 32, forced him to enter the garish scented-candle store while en route to the food court, said he attempted to run from the shop shortly after hearing the initial gunfire, only to find the killer had moved toward the display of balsam and cedar decorative votives, effectively blocking the exit. The shooter then proceeded to fire a loaded automatic shotgun into the store, striking Mull in the leg and torso and destroying a table full of ceramic potpourri warmers.

"I remember thinking 'This is it, I'm going to die,'" the 34-year-old contractor said from his bed at Buffalo General Hospital, where he is still under observation after sustaining three gunshot wounds, including one that left a bullet lodged in his spine. "Then I looked around at where I was and told myself there was no way in hell I was going to let them find me curled up behind a floor display of Midnight Jasmine Housewarmer jar candles."

"How could this happen to me?" Mull added. "I'm never anywhere near Yankee Candle."

Much of Mull's desperate plight was captured on mall security cameras. In the grainy footage, he can be seen inching his way slowly over the blood-slicked floors and past the contorted bodies of other victims before collapsing unconscious in the entrance of The Sharper Image.

Man Announces Plan to "Get F***ed Up" This Weekend

KANSAS, Raytown, A.P. - In a statement released early Thursday afternoon at the Raytown Muffler's and More, Kenny Ray Coble announced plans to drive into Kansas City on Friday and Saturday and "get drunk out of his f---ing mind."

Coble's plans include, but are not necessarily limited to, drinking an unspecified quantity of Budweiser, smoking numerous Marlboro cigarettes, visiting various strip clubs, and driving his 1978 Chevrolet Malibu at high speeds.

When asked for a comment, Coble's girlfriend Chastity Bowe gave the following, "That son of a bitch was supposed to take me and his kid to the water park this weekend. I hate him."

This will be the first weekend in 2 months that Coble will be able to engage in leisure activities due to his responsibilities at Mufflers and More.

"I can't f---in' wait for this weekend. I already told that ho Chastity that I weren't taking her to Magic Waters no more. And she still ain't proved that that kid is mine," added Coble.

Mr. Coble sports a grandiose mudflap.

Scott Somehow Evades Red Cross Screening Process, Saves Life

Kudos goes out to Scott. Last December he donated a pint of blood via the Red Cross. They injected his blood into some poor baby who was about to die because she didn't have enough blood in her veins. So Scott saved her life. But now the baby seems to be angry all the time and looks at her mother in a menacing manner. Good Job, Scott.

What is He Wearing?

Even His Cat Has A Mullet

Congratulations to S.P.Y.C. and SRL

vs.

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Pizza Mania Dissapoints with Bloody Pizza

ON THE DASHBOARD: Pizza Mania's Pepperoni and Mushroom Pizza.

THE SPECS: Pizza, Oh Boy!

DOES IT DELIEVER: Well, last night I ordered a pepperoni and mushroom pizza from my favorite pizzaria, Pizza Mania. I was really looking forward to eating that pizza.

Mmmmmm. Family Pizza Night. I dreamed about this night.

But then when the guy delivered it there was a problem.

The guy was fiddling with his finger and I saw blood on the receipt. Then I saw blood on his finger. Then I saw him dip his bloody finger into the pizza.

So after I paid him, gave him a big tip, and closed the door I got MAD! I threw the bloody pizza away. That'll show them.

IS IT WORTH THE MONEY AND CALORIES? Only if you think contracting AIDS is a fair price for pizza.

MY FINAL DASHBOARD DINING RATING: No Bites out of 4.

Muzzled by the Man

Man Finds Out He's Related to Shakespeare!

I can now reveal after extensive research, that William Shakespeare has a living heir in Hank Brown. After spotting him on a Saturday afternoon drive through Sierra Madre last weekend (a local foothill community in the San Gabriel Valley), I pulled over to interview him. After I asked whether he was related to William Shakespeare, he reluctantly told me, “We’re a family of letters. Words are my life’s blood.” However, in his case they’re anemic, at least according to Professor Alan Youngman, genealogist extraordinaire. “I’ve been tracing William Shakespeare’s bloodline for years,” the professor explained. “Given our foolproof DNA tests, there is no doubt that Mr. Brown is actually Hank Brown Shakespeare, descended from the famed Bard of Stratford-on-Avon.” My exclusive — albeit brief — talk with the only living relative of the poet and playwright was interrupted by local resident Sam Collinsworth — Mr. Shakespeare’s boss — who advised him that it was time to stop jawing and get back to work. As he had done countless times before, Hank Shakespeare made sure his ladder was solidly set, then started climbing the rungs to finish changing the marquee on the Sierra Madre Playhouse.

Man in the Moon is a PEEPING TOM

An astronomer at the Bowl Mountain Observatory has a warning for anyone who plans to be up and about on May 31.
“I’ve been studying the phases — and faces — of the Man in the Moon,” Dr. Alfred Eisenstone told Bill's Blunderful Blog, “and have come to the conclusion that not only are we watching him: he’s watching us!”
The scientist reports that certain craters in the eye-section seem to become wider during periods of the full moon, and several of the southern peaks grow taller. “Because there is no atmosphere on the moon, his ability to pick up the tiniest details on Earth would be unimpaired,” Dr. Eisenstone added. “There is no doubt in my mind that he is looking into windows as soon as he rises — so to speak.”
Every other astromomer contacted by Bill's Blunderful Blog has dismissed the scientist’s claim as moronic. “We believe that Dr. Eisenstone is not only mad but a pervert himself,” said Professor Aaron Motbaugh. “Rumor has it he’s used the observatory’s two-hundred-inch telescope for local peeping of his own.”
“Those allegations were never substantiated, and time will prove that I’m right,” Dr. Eisenstone replied confidently. “My research will give an entirely new meaning to the term ‘blue moon.’”

Karl's Korner: Hollywood Caused 9-11

The reason the Islamic terrorists attacked America was because they were disgusted by the immoral excesses of the Hollywood Left, who for years have infected world cultures (including our own) with their violent, often pornographic movies, attacks on moral standards, mockery of religion, and overall debasement of the human spirit. Yet those same people, the Hollywood Left were the first to blame America for the attacks, head for the hills and hide, oppose the war against terrorism in all its facets (including the Patriot Act), and continue to attack Evangelical Christians and conservative America -- who, ironically, are the only ones who stand up and defend the freedoms ejoyed and exploited by the Hollywood Left. I say, DOWN WITH HOLLYWIERD!!! I, for one, plan to show my protest by limiting my purchase of porno movies to 3 DVD's a week, and I encourage you all to do the same.

Why Conservatives Must Support McCain

The action and passion of our time involves the ongoing struggle against Islamo-Nazi terror, the defense of core American ideals, and an election this November that will determine the direction of the nation for years, perhaps decades, to come.
At the moment, some activists and commentators who call themselves “conservative” say they won’t participate in this choice because they’re unhappy with the choices. These same people claim to honor the memory of Ronald Reagan, while ignoring the fact that he never followed or recommended such a childish or self-destructive course. Even when he felt dispirited over the Republican nominee, even when he lost a bitter nomination struggle to Gerald Ford, Reagan never sat out an election or considered backing the Democrats. He campaigned for his rival Ford, and helped make that election breathlessly close – with Jimmy Carter winning it by only 2% of the popular vote, and a few thousand votes in Ohio. It’s odd that some who claim to revere Reagan in all things but choose to ignore his oft-repeated declaration that “Somebody who agrees with me 70% of the time, isn’t my enemy. He’s my ally.”
Of course, some of the same thinking that currently leads angry conservatives to threaten to “sit it out” in November, or even to support Hillary, also animated the “Buchanan Brigades” who claimed to see no meaningful difference between Bush and Gore in 2000. They left the Republican Party, earned a paltry 0.4% of the popular vote (one-sixth the total of Ralph Nader), and discredited themselves more than they hurt the Republicans.
With nine months to go before the election, it’s safe to assume that most of the decent and patriotic people now threatening not to participate in the action and passion of our time will consider the crucial issues and come alive, backing the nation’s more conservative party headed (as always) by an imperfect conservative candidate. If you are a conservative, whether economic, moral, or on national defense, you must support McCain.

My Perspective

I give Mike Huckabe one week to quit or he is an egotistical dick. Up to now, I haven’t had a problem with him staying in. But its now time From this point forward, every vote he gets and every word he says is to the benefit of liberalism, economic, social and foreign policy liberalism.

McCain has work to do with conservatives. Every day that Huckabe stands in is a day of delay to the critical path of unifying the party in time to defeat a liberal democrat.

The last time I recall a shoe in Republican nominee challenged from the right throughout the primary was 1992 Pat Buchanon against GHWB. Rather than stepping aside and allowing GHWB to confront the left once the nomination became determined, he instead stayed in and hit Bush from the right while Clinton hit him from the left. Then Bush lost.

If Huckabe doesn’t get out, I think we’ll know that his famous and endearing humility is rather fake. I see ego. I see a man who has tasted the drug and cannot put it down. Have you ever had a thousand people call your name and try to touch you as you move through a crowd? Me neither, but I presume its pretty intoxicating. Let it go Huck.

Correction: Roy Schneider RIP

Your performances in Blue Thunder and 2010: The Year We Make Contact were priceless. You will be missed.

Rob Schneider - RIP

Your performances in Benchwarmers and Ace Bigalow were priceless, and you will be missed.

She Used to be Beautiful

Do Not Give These Men Access to Power Tools

No matter how competent they initially appear, do not give these men access to power tools.

Why is That?

Why should you have as much as me?

Because I should.

Why is that?

Because I should.

Why is that?

It Seems to Me

The more I think about it, the more I appreciate water. A great, great beverage.

Of all the causes of death, burning in a fire is still Numero Uno in the pain department.

There isn't a better chef in the world of food than Chef Boyardee.

I have no tolerance for anyone who commits arson.

My wish for 2008 is that we see a lot more of John Larroquette.

Billary's Big Secret

Dick Cheney for VP

Bring VP Cheney back for another round of debates. He will laugh at the nominee.

Mitt, We Hardley Knew You

It Seems to Me

Now that steroids are not being used by baseball players as much, you're going to see fewer homeruns.

The reason they charge so much for Superbowl commercials is because a lot of people watch the Superbowl, and so the ratings are high.

Hey, if you get a B on your test, just study more and next time and maybe you'll get an A.

I would have won the long drive contest, except my ball veered to the right and off the course.

Scott's Corner

I have been reading these so-called "blog" enteries supposedly written by me (JFK conspiracy, 9/11 was an inside job), and I have to say . . . Well done. I hereby endorse Bill's Blunderful Blog.

Mike Huckabee's Vision for the Future

Mike Huckabee believes his continued campaign for president will put a conservative in office because he believes he will be elected, and Mitt Romney should have dropped out. He won West Virginia, after all.

My Perspective

Here are just a few of the reasons I believe 9/11 was an inside job, primarily masterminded by Dick Cheney with the complicity of George W. Bush. I have ordered them with most important first. This is just a summary. Also, you should be aware that Halliburton, George Bush, Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz have destroyed most of the evidence that supports these FACTS:

1. No steel frame buildings had ever before in history collapsed either from fires or planes hitting them. They are designed to withstand those hazards. On 9/11 three of them fell, and fell perfectly straight down. That perfection does not happen by accident. Seismic evidence shows the two main world trade towers were taken down by demolition.

2. Bush claims a Boeing 757 hit the Pentagon then vaporized, and that is why there was no wreckage, but that is utterly impossible. Give me a break! How gullible do you think I am, Mr. Bush?

3. The hole in the side of the Pentagon is far too small for Boeing 757 flight 77 to pass through. The wingspan is 124 feet with a fuselage diameter of 13 feet. It is 44 feet from ground to the top of the tail. There was almost no debris, no bodies, no blood, no body parts, no baggage, no wreckage typical of a 757 plane crash, and of course no sheared off wings.

4. There were no Arabs aboard flight 77 as claimed by Bush. Without Arabs, you have no hijackers. Without a highjack, why would the three American pilots all suicide unless Bush had threatened their families? The key to Bush’s conspiracy theory, the Arab highjacking, is a total fabrication. His whole lie comes unraveled just from the passenger and autopsy lists alone.

5. Stanley Hilton, Bob Dole’s advisor and lead attorney in the 9/11 victims case says he has both documentary evidence and sworn testimony that Cheney and Bush ordered the 9/11 attack.

6. All of Bush’s cabinet met with Mahmoud, the bankroller of 9/11, in the week prior to 9/11. Put options (short selling) for American Airlines and United Airlines were massively above normal just prior to 9/11. Investors made a killing off foreknowledge of 9/11.

7. Rudy Guiliani gave a series of extremely polished speeches on 9/11. How did he find time to rehearse? You'd almost think he had spent the previous month getting ready for his big day in the limelight.

8. The alleged hijackers on their eve of a supposed religiously-motivated suicide attack went to a strip bar, drank alcohol and ate pork, all in public. That is not plausible behavior for religious fanatics about to face judgement day.

9. FBI agents quickly confiscated video tape from a gas station security camera aimed directly at the exact point of impact while recording the size of the plane and/or missile, security camera video film from a nearby Sheraton hotel, film from a Virginia Transportation Department freeway overpass camera. They have never released these tapes, nor any of the on-grounds security camera tapes. What’s the big secret?

10. Cheney and Ashcroft claim they drafted the 600-page Patriot Act in less than a week. It is a very complicated document. They must have had it ready before hand waiting for the right moment to spring it. This behavior implies Cheney and Ashcroft knew 9/11 was coming.

11. In 1976 the US Army prepared a plan to take down the two World Trade Towers using commercial airliners, using plastic box cutters to get through security, as part of its "antiterrorism" activities. In 1976, Rumsfeld was Secretary of State, Bush 41 was CIA Director, Nelson Rockfeller was Vice President, Ford was president, Cheney was chief of staff, almost the same crew as was in charge for 9/11.

The Martyr Howard Hughes

The Martyr was murdered by the drug companies who realized he was close to uncovering a way all of us could live germ-free, without buying their snake oil.

Double Dipping Causes Disease

All you double-dippers, back away from the chip dip bowl!

Seems the famous Seinfeld episode was right - double-dipping does transfer mouth microbes from bitten chips or vegetables into the dip. After multiple double-dippers, what might look like an enticing snack may actually be a microbial soup, a new study suggests.

The research, by food science students at Clemson University in Clemson, S.C., found that for every time a bitten cracker went back into the bowl, hundreds, even thousands of bacterial cells went in with it.

Profession Paul Dawson, the food sciences professor who oversaw the project warned: "It could be a big party. You have a lot of people dipping. So every time someone dips they're inoculating that many cells into the dip."

The average human mouth is teeming with bacteria . . . the fact of the matter is ... if there was somebody in the room had that a contagious disease who was double-dipping, it's a pretty high risk that it's going to be transferred to other people if they're going to be eating out of that bowl," he says. Dawson's students tested dips of different pH levels - a cheese dip, a chocolate dipping sauce and salsa.

"The two factors that affect the amount of bacteria in two words are the consistency of the dip and the acidity of the dip," Dawson notes. Dawson suggests hot dips might provide ideal conditions for microbial growth. And he notes that as a party goes on and the amount of dip in a bowl declines, the microbe content of what remains would be expected to rise.
All this new-found knowledge has made Dawson approach the practice of dipping with a new level of caution: "I probably would avoid the dip bowl. I would pass on that."

The 5 Second Rule is a MYTH

Scientists at Clemson University conducted an interesting study on the so-called “5 Second Rule” – You know, the one that claim it’s ok to eat food dropped on the floor if its only been soaking up germs for 5 seconds or fewer?
It is obvious that food dropped onto a bacteria covered floor would collect some bacteria. But how much? Does it collect more as the seconds tick by? Enough to make you sick?
Prof. Paul L. Dawson and his colleagues at Clemson have now put some numbers on floor-to-food contamination.
Their bacterium of choice was salmonella; the test surfaces were tile, wood flooring and nylon carpet; and the test foods were slices of bread and bologna.
First the researchers measured how long bacteria could survive on the surfaces. They applied salmonella broth in doses of several million bacteria per square centimeter, a number typical of badly contaminated food.
I thought that most bacteria were sensitive to drying out, but after 24 hours of exposure to the air, thousands of bacteria per square centimeter had survived on the tile and wood, and tens of thousands on the carpet. Hundreds of salmonella were still alive after 28 days.
Professor Dawson and colleagues then placed test food slices onto salmonella-painted surfaces for varying lengths of time, and counted how many live bacteria were transferred to the food.
On surfaces that had been contaminated eight hours earlier, slices of bologna and bread left for five seconds took up from 150 to 8,000 bacteria. Left for a full minute, slices collected about 10 times more than that from the tile and carpet, though a lower number from the wood.
What do these numbers tell us about the 5-second rule? Quick retrieval does mean fewer bacteria, but it’s no guarantee of safety. Even if a floor or a countertop, or wrapper carried only a thousandth the number of bacteria applied by the researchers, the piece of food would be likely to pick up several bacteria.
The infectious dose, the smallest number of bacteria that can actually cause illness, is as few as 10 for some salmonellas, fewer than 100 for the deadly strain of E. coli.
Of course we can never know for sure how many harmful microbes there are on any surface. But we know enough now to formulate a new version of the 5-second rule: If you drop a piece of food, pick it up quickly, take five seconds to recall that just a few bacteria can make you sick, then take a few more seconds to think about where you dropped it and whether or not it’s worth eating.

'Roid Rage

This was taken back in 1993, when Karl used to take HGH and steroids.

Giraffe Man Arrested