Men's Bathroom Rules

I am stunned that I have to iterate these common sense rules in writing, but there have been a number of violations recently. Here are the rules:

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself. Once one of you starts going to the bathroom, all talk stops. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc.

3. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs. If this can’t be done, leave and come back later. Better to have a ruptured bladder and infected kidney than to stand next to a dude taking a piss.

4. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is unacceptable.

5. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

6. Always flush the toilet when you are done– urinal or commode. Use your foot or paper-towel covered hand. But when you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

7. When using a urinal, stand between 3 to 5 inches from the porcelain.

8. WASH YOUR HANDS. After washing, use either latex gloves (my preference) or a paper towel to turn off the faucet and open the door. Keep paper towel or glove in hand until you have reached your final destination. There are a lot of doors out there that need opening.